According to my geometry teacher, there are many ways to suck in geometry. To protect her identity and mine I will call her Mrs. Sparklebottom Von Meanface Here are a few.
Having fun:
If you have fun in Geometry class, you might as well just jump off a building now. Apparently having a good time in Geometry means you are a terrible person who will be clicking the "I'm attending" button for the 7th circle of hell. Please remember that having fun includes: Laughing, smiling, enjoying yourself, liking math, having a cool pencil, breathing, using a pen, doodling, and other generally frivolous things.
Eating:
My Geometry teacher finds it shocking that most normal people are hungry when they do math. She hates everyone who eats because she's on a diet so Mrs. Von Meanface has banned food in her classroom. So, the number one lesson here is that eating in class will make you incapable of learning the deadly subject. If you must eat, make sure that it's only cardboard and your textbook. It will make you learn faster.
Putting your hood up:
It's not raining in the classroom and by putting a hood or hat on your beautiful little noggin will inhibit your ability to absorb the helpful information that your wonderful teacher is telling you.
Not having paper:
Don't forget paper, you guys.
Doing your homework in pen:
Ink makes you a moron, use graphite.
Being generally stupid:
If you're an idiot (like myself!) you can forget about passing with a decent GPA. Or you can bribe your teacher with a minimum payment of $100.
Bribing your teacher:
Don't do it. It's a slippery slope, bros. Slippery, I tell you.
Okay! So that's pretty much it. That's a brief list but these are by far the most important things to remember while in your local Geometry class.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Monday, September 19, 2011
Top Ten Things To Do Before You Get On Skype
Skype is a wonderful thing. You can talk to people for hours. It's like texting except with your voice and face! However, there is a downside, you must constantly be aware that the other person can see you. You may find it appropriate to do certain things when you are alone or texting but some of these things are not accepted when you are visible to another human being. Here is a list of the ten most important things you need to do before getting on Skype.
1.Go to the bathroom. You may find it comfortable to sit in soiled clothing. Some people even use their warm urine to keep them warm. It's perfectly fine when you're in your home but surprisingly, people don't take a liking to large wet/discolored areas on your pants. In fact they may be a bit offended and they might even hang up or worse. Unfriend you on Facebook. Yeah it's that bad.
2. Blow your nose. Sometimes boogers can be attractive or even a nice conversation starter at a bar. "Hey, I think you have a booger hanging from your facial area." "Oh thanks" Next thing you know you're on your way to make-out city. Although, on Skype, the rules are different. If you have a booger on your face, chances are that the person you're talking to will be like "That's disgusting." and they will most likely hang up. Also, if you don't have a booger hanging out of your nose but you feel one WAAAAY up there, don't pick it.
3. Put clothes on (unless you're naked Skyping but that's just awkward). If you're Skyping a friend that might make them feel uncomfortable. This is a pretty obvious thing so I'm going to list the exceptions to this rule. You are a nudist. You are opposed to towels and you just took a shower so you're "air-drying". You want your friend to feel uncomfortable. You like the air. You are homeless and you don't have clothes.
4. Homework. Chances are you have homework when you get on Skype. However, I have tried many times to go onto Skype and continue to work on homework. It doesn't work. Every single time, I become less and less focused on Geometry and more focused on the person who I'm Skyping that has no clothes on, is wiggling around (aka the potty dance), and has a giant booger dangling from their nose.
5. Clean your surroundings. Nobody wants to see thousands of orange peels or a giant water bottle full of spoiled chocolate milk. That's nasty. I also don't want to see your undergarments when I'm speaking to you directly. It makes me uncomfortable.
6. Write a well written, well planned list of talking points that you would like to touch on. This is an important one. You must have a very structured conversation at all times. If at any point there is a silence during your conversation hang up immediately. Your conversational partner will appreciate you caring for their attention span.
7. Put on lot's of make-up. It will help you avoid looking washed out and pale. Better yet, if you can get a spray tan or fake tanning lotion, you will look like Lourdes Queen of the Oranges. She's beautiful. You will get nothing but compliments from your Skype friend and your really life friends.
8. Make sure that you are on speaking terms with your Skyping buddy. If you are at all doubtful of this, immediately turn off your computer and run to the bathroom. Make sure to put on extra makeup and then go back onto your computer. If the correct amount of make-up has been applied, your buddy will laugh and you will immediately be speaking again.
9. Make certain your computer has a camera. If no camera is present attach a mirror and begin talking to that, if you can't see your Skyping Buddy, chances are they have the same problem. Tell them to put attach a mirror to their computer and BOOM Skype.
10. This is the most important rule of all, do not floss your teeth before you get on. People find it endearing when you have lettuce stuck in your teeth. If you take out the lettuce, it will cost them the chance to see what a nice color your gums are compared to the green leafy vegetable.
I just saved you so much embarrassment from Skype. You're welcome.
Thank you, peopleofwalmart.com!
1.Go to the bathroom. You may find it comfortable to sit in soiled clothing. Some people even use their warm urine to keep them warm. It's perfectly fine when you're in your home but surprisingly, people don't take a liking to large wet/discolored areas on your pants. In fact they may be a bit offended and they might even hang up or worse. Unfriend you on Facebook. Yeah it's that bad.
2. Blow your nose. Sometimes boogers can be attractive or even a nice conversation starter at a bar. "Hey, I think you have a booger hanging from your facial area." "Oh thanks" Next thing you know you're on your way to make-out city. Although, on Skype, the rules are different. If you have a booger on your face, chances are that the person you're talking to will be like "That's disgusting." and they will most likely hang up. Also, if you don't have a booger hanging out of your nose but you feel one WAAAAY up there, don't pick it.
3. Put clothes on (unless you're naked Skyping but that's just awkward). If you're Skyping a friend that might make them feel uncomfortable. This is a pretty obvious thing so I'm going to list the exceptions to this rule. You are a nudist. You are opposed to towels and you just took a shower so you're "air-drying". You want your friend to feel uncomfortable. You like the air. You are homeless and you don't have clothes.
4. Homework. Chances are you have homework when you get on Skype. However, I have tried many times to go onto Skype and continue to work on homework. It doesn't work. Every single time, I become less and less focused on Geometry and more focused on the person who I'm Skyping that has no clothes on, is wiggling around (aka the potty dance), and has a giant booger dangling from their nose.
5. Clean your surroundings. Nobody wants to see thousands of orange peels or a giant water bottle full of spoiled chocolate milk. That's nasty. I also don't want to see your undergarments when I'm speaking to you directly. It makes me uncomfortable.
6. Write a well written, well planned list of talking points that you would like to touch on. This is an important one. You must have a very structured conversation at all times. If at any point there is a silence during your conversation hang up immediately. Your conversational partner will appreciate you caring for their attention span.
7. Put on lot's of make-up. It will help you avoid looking washed out and pale. Better yet, if you can get a spray tan or fake tanning lotion, you will look like Lourdes Queen of the Oranges. She's beautiful. You will get nothing but compliments from your Skype friend and your really life friends.
8. Make sure that you are on speaking terms with your Skyping buddy. If you are at all doubtful of this, immediately turn off your computer and run to the bathroom. Make sure to put on extra makeup and then go back onto your computer. If the correct amount of make-up has been applied, your buddy will laugh and you will immediately be speaking again.
9. Make certain your computer has a camera. If no camera is present attach a mirror and begin talking to that, if you can't see your Skyping Buddy, chances are they have the same problem. Tell them to put attach a mirror to their computer and BOOM Skype.
10. This is the most important rule of all, do not floss your teeth before you get on. People find it endearing when you have lettuce stuck in your teeth. If you take out the lettuce, it will cost them the chance to see what a nice color your gums are compared to the green leafy vegetable.
I just saved you so much embarrassment from Skype. You're welcome.
Thank you, peopleofwalmart.com!
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